There Oughtta Be A Law

I'm admittedly stealing this title from Radley Balko, whose regular advertisement of asinine legislation around the country is a service to everyone.

Well, the newest addition to the "Thank you, sir, may I have another?" files comes to us compliments of Calvert County, Maryland (my county of residence), which has stepped up its enforcement of, ahem, pet licensing. You heard me.

I suppose it's one thing for government to want to keep tabs on its citizens (and their cars and motorcycles and boats and trailers and guns and ...), but this is ridiculous. Apparently, Calvert County is worried about its domesticated pets running amok as well!

This legislation obviously doesn't even pass the laugh test. At best the county is subsidizing the pet industry by mandating such fees, and at worst it's simply justifying another de facto tax.

The pet license is mandated through the county ordinance and has minimal requirements.

You must show proof of the current rabies certificate along with documentation indicating whether your pet has been spayed or neutered.

The fee is $5.00 for those that are spayed or neutered. For dogs and cats that are not, the fee is $15.00.

And I don't know about you, but I don't like to be patronized while I'm being sodomized. Calvert County could at least refrain from pretending they have my best interests at heart while they're reaching into my wallet. But as government entities are wont to do, they feel compelled to convince us of the nobility of such regulation:

There are advantages to purchasing your pet license:

To obtain a pet license you must have a current rabies shot, this is for the protection of your pet as well as others.

If a pet is lost, Animal Control will be able to locate the owner through the pet license owner information on file with Animal Control at the Sheriff’s Office.

A current tag also indicates to officers and other citizens that your pet is not a stray animal.

Some of the pet license funding can go toward education for children to teach about proper care of animals and kindness to animals.

We are able to provide some programs to community groups about animal care as well.

Obviously, if pet owners are concerned about the welfare of their dogs and cats, they're going to immunize them against rabies and other diseases, keep them out of the street, feed them, and basically do what people have been doing for eons when caring for their own animals. (In the event you're unaware of the cost of pet care these days, rest assured most owners prefer to limit their veterinary visits due to pet illness or accidents regardless of whether or not the state or county requires it.) Indeed, the biggest reasons for the imposition of such fees are most closely related to the last two mentioned in the list above: those that are used for the creation of silly government-subsidized programs that cater to the fancies of animal rights activists.

As pathetic as the rationales for this registration program are, the county outdoes itself with the final statement of its memo.

Remember, it is for the safety of your pet and the community!

Aha! Just when you think it's the county that stands to benefit most from such draconian legislation, it touts the "common good" defense, just so you know they're on your side!

The press release doesn't mention what sort of fine one stands to incur if he neglects to register his pets; and while I disagree with many laws I tend to obey them. But I think it's a safe bet that on this one I'll be waiting for Big Bro to track me down. After all, maybe my dog will be in the car with me one night as I roll up to a DUI checkpoint, or when I'm pulled over by a trooper with night vision goggles for failing to wear my seatbelt (I'd wear one even if it weren't a law, but I couldn't resist).

In the meantime, keep an eye on your fish and children.